Posts Tagged Newt Gingrich

Another Conservative Family Values Guy Falls Victim to the Irresistable Lure of the Forbidden Fruit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DA COOCHIE MONSTA

 

COOCHIEa term referencing part of the female anatomy located anterior to the rectum and posterior to the lower abdomen, between the upper thighs. It is an opening, varying in size and appearance, that is commonly used for the sexual gratification of the male species; or in the case of the female species, when stimulated by small appendages, mechanically vibrating devices, certain vegetables, cigar holders, or other assorted cylindrical-shaped objects (Yes, I used a little poetic license in crafting part of this definition, for all you plagiarism detectives).

Another one bites the dust . . .

What is up with these Conservative Family Values guys?  First, they go after President Bill Clinton in the 1990’s.  Hey, Newt Gingrich - do you recall leading the charge, after dumping your cancer-ridden first wife for some young coochie, and just prior to dumping your second wife for another newer piece of coochie?  Now days they just act contrite only AFTER they have been outed.  Senators David Vitter and John Ensign, as well as Governor Mark Sanford all come to mind - and those are just a few of the more recent Republican Bible-thumping philanderers.

What is even more incredulous is the fact that today’s Conservative Family Values guy – Republican Congressman Mark Souder (R-IN) – recorded a video with his little coochie-girl, advocating abstinence.  Oh yea, she was also on his Congressional Staff – obviously both literally and figuratively. 

So what I gleen from all of this is that abstaining from abstinence and abstaining from marital fidelity are not morally equivalent for these guys?  What great role models for our kids – eh, Sarah and Bristol Palin?

A few little nuggets of wisdom for all you moral hypocrites:

1)  A man is just a human being with two heads and only enough blood to run one of them at a time;

2)  There usually ain’t enough prayer in the world to resist the call of the sirens  (“wild coochie”).  Just ask Ulysses.  Approximately 3000 years ago, this dude had himself tied to the mast of a ship by his sailors so as not to succumb to the desires of the flesh brought on by the beckon call of these seductresses; in the process, he damn near lost his freakin’ mind trying to resist the temptation to throw caution to the wind – as in throw his sorry ass into the ocean -so he could swim to shore just to get in on some of that action.  Legend had it that it meant certain death (NO SH!T, geniuses – as in expensive and painfully public divorces?);

3)  Coochie Monsters are born, not made.  They are called men.

See you all in Hell!

P.S.  Bring your own ice.

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The New Art of Political Alchemy (circa, 2009)

The Alchemist [by artist Nicole Cardiff]

When President Obama gave his speech on the importance of education to American students today, many of them never had an opportunity to hear his words of encouragement and inspiration.  The reasons why are both varied and utterly irrational.  

Rumors swirled that the President would use this time to bolster support for health care reform, or otherwise forward some sinister Socialist or Communist political agenda.  In essence, inflamed by the excesses of a “lunatic fringe” political discourse gone rampant in recent months in this country, some parents either voluntarily withdrew their children from attendance in school today, or demanded that the local school districts not air the nationally televised speech.

Suffice it to say, the seeds of ignorance are sown by those who wallow in it’s misery.

In 1991, when the first President Bush gave a similar speech to schoolchildren, Newt Gingrich, the Republican Speaker of the House from of Georgia, asked, “Why is it political for the president of the United States to discuss education?”

Exactly! 

Alchemy was the medieval study of the chemical transmutation of lead into gold.  The purveyors of ancient alchemy falsely claimed that by mixing a chemical concoction with lead, they could turn the lead into gold; these men were the charlatans of that era - people believed them simply because they would through slight-of-hand, perform magical acts of mineral transformation.  The irrational notion that lead could be turned into gold caused people to believe that acquiring this somewhat common element would lead to unimaginable wealth.

Of course, we now know that lead cannot be transformed into gold by any chemical process.  In fact, the only way to cause a transmutation of lead into gold is through physics – by way of a nuclear reaction.  Of course, the energy necessary to turn lead into gold by this means far outstrips the value of the resulting gold.  In other words, the end result is completely irrational in relation to its cost, and makes no sense.

When something as benign as President Obama’s speech to the schoolchildren across America can be magically transformed into a looming political, social or cultural cancer, we have reached into the surreal realm of irrational political alchemy.  Now everything that President Obama says or does is ostensibly cloaked in the veil of an ominous agenda.  To so poison the very idea of a President telling children to stay and school and pursue the benefits of an education forebodes of something far more dangerous in regard to the law of unintended consequences.  In other words, the cost of the current trend of twisting truth into fiction will far outstrip any perceived value it may have claimed. 

Paradoxically, this next generation which is currently in school, will later look back at the first decade of the new millennium and judge harshly those forces presently at work that are designed to ensure that the truth is irrationally transformed into an evil fiction with just a few false words.  And all of it done with a perverse, reckless abandon. 

Publisher’s Note:  the image posted above, The Alchemist, was created by artist Nicole Cardiff, and can be found at http://www.fantasygallery.net/cardiff/art_2.html.

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