LANCER’S JOUSTING ON HORSEBACK

Maybe I should run for a U.S. Senate seat?

Think it’s a long shot?  Think I am crazy?

Think again . . . 

According to one study, the first name on a ballot has a much higher probability of winning an election - name placement on an election ballot is usually predicated upon alphabetical order, although some ballots are based on when a candidate files to run for office, or decided by a lottery.  Given the name-placement theory based on alphabetical order, all I would have to do to win is change my last name to Abbott.  That would likely place me at the top of an election ballot, putting into motion the state of “primacy” - that which is first, is foremost in the mind.  Unless, of course, some smart-ass changes his last name to Aardvark.  But then who would vote for a guy with a last name that reminds them of an ugly animal?

Now I am really starting to think I have a good chance.   Just this past week, Alvin Greene, an unemployed ne’re-do-well in South Carolina just stunned the Democratic establishment in that state by winning his party’s nomination for the U.S. Senate seat currently held by Republican Jim DeMint.  Which has given rise to a number of theories regarding Greene’s inexplicable nomination - yes, even conspiracy theories suggesting Republican shenanigans at work; Greene beat an experienced, heavily favored, former Democratic state legislator and judge. 

Furthermore, Greene’s resume is not exactly stellar; he was “involuntarily” discharged from the U.S. Army, he has a felony charge currently pending against him for obscenity for allegedly transmitting a pornographic picture to a University of South Carolina student, and he lives at home with his elderly father.  He also had to pay $10, 440 to file for his candidacy; the question is, where did he come up with that kind of money if he is unemployed?  And he apparently has not even run any semblance of a political campaign – no rallies, no media ads, no active campaigning, and no money.  

Even in his own home town of Manning, South Carolina – population 0f 4000, where everybody knows everybody – hardly anyone knows Greene.  And that may very well have worked in his favor.  The less voters and your opponent know about you, the better.  Especially in the current political environment where “professional politicians” are viewed with disdain and cynicism, and negative campaigning works because voters are rarely concerned with the truth.  Particularly in South Carolina.  Just ask John McCain about the Republican presidential primary in 2000.

So what gives?  Notwithstanding the alphabetical placement theory, one South Carolina voter – Gail Westerfield – even admitted that she voted for him because the name reminded her of the famous soul-singer, Al Green.   And yes he is black.  Which gives a whole new meaning to “dark horse” candidate (no, that is not meant to be a racist comment – but it is an uncanny irony).

Now, let’s get back to my proposed candidacy.  

My real first name - Lance – is an English name derived from the French term for a lance (which is the weapon commonly referred to as a ”spear”).  A Lancer was an individual soldier who rode on horseback directly into battle with a lance as a weapon.  A fearless warrior.  Think Lancelot from Camelot.  Now with a name like that, how could a clueless voter not feel as though I would always have their best interests at heart as their elected representative?  Of course, Lancelot had an affair with the Queen (Guinevere).  But hey, that’s almost a prerequisite for political office these days. 

I also like the name Abbott.  After all, it invokes the term “abbot” – a spiritual designation for one who oversees the monks in a monastery.  In a monastic community the abbot is the superior, and he is obedient to God’s will, while simultaneously given the respect and authority to act wisely in the administration of the monastery. 

Perfect.  I can use the anologies associated with the historical underpinnings of those two names to demonstrate how I will unselfishly and faithfully represent my constituents if elected to office.  Hopefully, no one else has ever made a similar campaign promise.  

So now comes the $64, 000 question.  Would you vote for me?

P.S.  And can anyone lend me around $10, 000?