THE WRATH OF GOD

“He did it.  No, he did it.  No they did it . . . “

Legal Memorandum to Members of the U.S. Senate Energy Committee:

This is in response to testimony provided the other morning to your committee by executives from the three energy companies involved in that drilling rig that is currently spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico.  By way of this memorandum, we are giving notice that our law firm is providing legal representation for all three companies in this matter – BP, Halliburton, and Transocean – as well as the rest of the oil industry. 

To clarify and correct the testimony provided to you thus far from our clients, we submit the following: 

First: we acknowledge that our clients engaged in “finger-pointing”, blaming one another for the spill and then each denying that their company had any culpability in, or liability for, the disaster.  We would respectfully assert to the members of the honorable committee that this is simple human nature; people often blame one another when something terrible happens that demands accountability. 

After all, each one of us learned from the time we were about three years old that taking responsibility for doing something wrong will often have dire consequences.  The lesson that some individuals took away from those experiences is that it is best to immediately deflect responsibility away from themselves, and blame someone else so that they can avoid becoming the target of the palpable wrath and inevitable punishment; we call them ”America’s Business Leaders”.  By way of recent example, the Senate Banking Committee hearings involving executives from Goldman Sachs immediately comes to mind.

Second:  after giving these circumstances their due consideration, as well as following the example provided by Wall Street, and finally by applying sound legal reasoning coupled with currently accepted American business principles, we have concluded that no one is to blame.  At least not any of these oil executives, and certainly none of their companies. 

This was simply an Act of God. 

When American private enterprise engages in the pursuit of profits – as in “doing God’s work” – and something goes horribly wrong, it would be misguided to blame the shameless human beings who run these companies, or the heartless corporations themselves. This is just God’s will. 

Think about it.  These executives and their companies were following the Lord’s wishes by providing jobs for tens of thousands of employees at virtually the same wages they were earning thirty years ago – adjusted for inflation, of course.  This results in huge profits for the corporations, as well as admittedly obscene salaries and bonuses for the executive management. 

And in spite of the huge tax breaks you give the rich and the big corporations in order to protect and preserve the American way of life, they unfortunately still have to pay some income taxes.  Fortunately, those taxes support the tax subsidies which you so generously give right back to the oil industry - talk about an “Oil Slick”?  We like to think about it as a trickle-down theory for oil industry welfare.  The oil executives pay taxes, and then they get that money back vicariously through their company coffers. 

Isn’t it strange how the free market’s “invisible hand” and God’s hand work in concert with one another?

So if you expressly blame the oil executives, and then financially punish these companies, they will have to stop drilling for more oil off-shore because it will no longer be nearly as profitable.  Oil exectutive salaries will fall.  Along with large political campaign contributions from the petroleum industry.  That is contrary to God’s will.  You, in turn, will be blamed for taking gasoline out of the tanks of every American car in the country.  Do you really want to answer to your constituents when they are waiting in long lines at the gas station this summer?  Remember: mid-term elections are just around the corner (November).  Getting voted out of office will simply be the consequences of you having incurred God’s wrath.  This is just plain common sense to every good American – especially Sarah Palin.

Third:  If you still are so inclined to make someone accountable, there really is only one group of people to blame:  You.  Washington.  The Politicians.  After all, Congress is the one that approved off-shore drilling.  You were the one’s that insisted that our clients explore for oil anywhere in the United States, and that new technology made drilling for oil safer than ever.  You said it was in the interests of our national security; that we had to stop buying oil from the Middle East, and vicariously supporting the terrorists. 

It’s kind of like the War on Drugs (speaking of disasters):  forget addressing the issue of demand for the product; Americans choose to focus on the problem of supply.  Except in this case, Americans demand more oil, and simultaneously want a cheap supply, as well.  Like drug addicts, they have no intention of taking responsibility for their behavior.  They have been in and out of “oil rehab” numerous times over the past 40 years.  We all recognize that relapse is very common among addicts, and we just have to accept that fact.  

Let’s face it.  Addicts are always deep in denial, and our clients are just opportunistic enablers, providing these oil addicts with the means to “chase the high” they get from driving their cars whenever they want, and wherever they want.  Case in point:  a new NBC/WSJ (Wall Street Journal) poll shows that 60% of these addicts still support off-shore drilling.  Let’s just give them what they want. 

Like any junkie, these American addicts can suffer the consequences of their behavior.  OK.  We are willing to concede that their children will suffer the greater consequences in the future.  But hey, we all accept the fact that there will always be collateral damage in every war; it’s inevitable.  Just go ask those maimed and wounded children in Iraq that George Bush “liberated” so American oil addicts would not be deprived of their “drug” (and real Americans did not want Uncle Dick Cheney to be deprived of obscene capital gains on his Halliburton stock – which God help him, he sold the minute that oil well “had heart failure“;  he worked so hard to push us to war in Iraq so Americans could have their next ”fix” of cheap Middle East oil).

We rest our case.

In conclusion: we would once again encourage you to embrace our rational explanation for this environmental disaster, and re-frame the way you look at it; given the popularity of Congress right now – or rather the lack thereof – you guys may want to think carefully about this most recent poll (no, that is not a pole, Republicans), and reconsider your opposition to off-shore drilling.

We would suggest that when you are kneeling at your bedside tonight, praying for more political campaign contributions, you should ask God for guidance on this issue.  We have faith and trust that you will come to understand the wisdom of his desires.  For God only knows why he works in such mysterious ways.

Respectfully submitted,

Hugh Lewis Dewey (a.k.a. Hughie Louie Dewey)

The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe (pronounced “Do We, Cheat ‘Em, and How”)

P.S.  If God, in turn, shirks responsibility for this disaster, we’ll see you all in court.  Including him!

UPDATE [5-14-10]:  Watch “There Will Be Blame” – the segment which aired last night [5-13-10] -  from Jon Stewart of The Daily Show – TOO FUNNY!